How to regain your confidence: Published in the AQHA Journal. Full article here.
Each morning I wonder what kind of day it’s going to be. Is it going to be a bad migraine day? Is it going to be a day I can’t find my truck keys? It has been more than five years since my traumatic brain injury, and every day is still a struggle. In a life filled with adversity, sometimes it’s hard to remain strong but the most important lesson I have learned is to never underestimate the power of the mind or the horse.
A Less Than Perfect Start
Born and raised in Perth, Australia, my childhood was forever changed when my father was killed by a drunk driver when I was 4 years old. I struggled through a difficult childhood and never felt that I actually belonged anywhere. By the age of 15, I found myself alone and struggling to fit in the demands of high school, while working a part-time job driving Standardbred pacing horses to pay the rent. As I moved toward college, I decided to pursue a career in psychology at Curtin University of Technology, with the goal of helping children like me, who had come from difficult childhoods.
While reading the classified section of a national Australian equestrian magazine, I saw an advertisement that stated: Employment: Cutting Horse Ranch in Weatherford ,Texas. After a few days of contemplating, I thought, “Why couldn’t that be me?” Within a few weeks, I found myself in Weatherford, Texas. I arrived with a suitcase filled with dreams and whatever clothes I could pack into one bag. My travels led me to Oxbow Ranch where I worked under the guidance of former National Cutting Horse Association President and National Cowgirl Hall of Fame member, Lindy Burch. I credit Lindy with everything I learned about horses; her passion and her standards of care were unsurpassed.
January 2012
On January 14, 2012, I was invited by Riders4Helmets to be a guest speaker at the third annual Helmet Safety Symposium. It was my goal as a guest speaker to shed insight into different incentive programs that might be created in the western world to encourage riders to wear helmets. I had not worn a helmet since I was a child but I had accepted the offer to join a panel of speakers to help the cause. At the symposium, I was deeply touched by Olympic dressage rider Courtney King-Dye. I listened to her journey after sustaining a traumatic brain injury, not knowing that within the next two weeks, I would be battling many of the same symptoms.
Driving back from the Fort Worth Stock Show and Rodeo on January 21, I was hit by a drunk driver who had more than 2.5 times the legal blood-alcohol content. The driver had disregarded a red light and plowed into my small car, pushing it sideways down the road and smashing my head against the side window. The accident set me back tremendously, and the horses that had been my whole life were now out of reach. From not knowing when to take a breath with lessons, clinics and shooting competitions, I found myself house-bound with chronic migraines. The bleed in my brain healed on its own but I was left with Occipital Neuralgia. I was so light and sound-sensitive that the smallest tasks, like brushing my teeth were torture. My search for a cure led me to Memorial Hermann Northwest Hospital’s Headache Center in Houston, and in January 2013, I underwent surgery. The surgery was successful but called for a long and slow recovery, and I attended physical therapy to work on my strength, balance and flexibility.
One day during my recovery, I woke and felt the need to sneak in a visit to the barn. My dear world champion horse, SF Marking Time (aka “Handsome”), and I always had an amazing partnership but it reached a whole new level that day. I turned him out of his stall to graze that morning. Weak from the walk, I sat on the ground in the pasture to gather my strength before I returned to the house. Handsome saw me on the ground, and he walked over to where I was and stood over me, like a guardian angel. I sat cross legged in the dirt with my arms wrapped around his left front leg. He waited with me until I had the strength to rise. He could have left me to go graze that morning, but he didn’t and I loved that horse more that day than when he won our first world championship.
Back in the Saddle
In May 2013, I was cleared to ride my horse for five minutes, every second day, I remember my very first ride. I saddled Handsome, my most gentle horse, strapped on my helmet and sat on him for 10 minutes. I used to think he was a short horse at 14.1 hands but that day, he felt like he was 18 hands tall.
Walks led to trail rides, and trail rides led us back to the competition arena. To me, going back to a sport where I was once at my peak was one of the hardest things I have ever done. When they say getting started is the hardest part, they’re right. I am a very competitive person – I think top riders need that almost addictive personality and it was hard to go back into a sport, knowing that even though you’re a world champion, you just didn’t have “it” any more.
Completing my first run in a competition setting felt like climbing Mount Everest. My heart was racing, and I just told myself, “Take it easy, slow and easy.” My favorite photo was taken as we left the arena. I was so proud of my horse, and I was proud of myself for taking the first step. I know that to stay focused on my recovery, I had to set reasonable goals. Setting unrealistic goals would only result in disappointment.
I also had to learn to be at peace with my riding helmet. My helmet and I had a love-hate relationship in the beginning. I had ridden without my helmet a time or two in personal retaliation, but I found that I rode with much more confidence when I had it on. I looked at it like I had two options. My first was to sit and cry over my situation. My second option was to be a role model by being the odd western rider in a helmet. I chose to be a role model and I discovered that you have to be at peace with yourself if you’re going to be a trail blazer!
I was honored to be awarded the Craig Ferrell M.D Equestrian Safety Award for my promotion of riding helmets by Riders4Helmets. It was my goal to qualify for the CMSA World Championships in October 2013 in Amarillo, and qualify I did. I purchased a 2013 qualifiers jacket as a gift to myself for reaching that milestone, and I cautiously reminded myself not to set expectations too high during the competition. My new goal was to finish penalty free. I surpassed my wildest expectations by not only finishing penalty free but also finishing only 0.4 second away from a reserve world championship title in 2013. After my last run at the end of the competition, I walked my horse back to his stall, hugged his neck and cried with joy in his mane. Here was a horse who had taken me to the winners circle, assisted my nonprofit riders, helped in my recovery from a brain injury and then carried me back into the top of my sport. Whatever I needed him to do, he did it without question.
My neurologist recommended I stayed engaged to help healing from my TBI. I wasn’t sure he meant go back to college and complete a Master’s degree but that’s how I took it. I was filled with fear and uncertainly, as I went back to school. I wasn’t sure I could handle the content but I know I would give it everything I had. I was proud to graduate from Colorado State University-Global with a 4.0. Proof that if I can do, anyone can. You just need to be a little gritty!
These simple tips gave me confidence to get back into the saddle and into the competition area:
• Surround yourself with positive people who support you and believe in you.
• Know what gives you confidence. Have a clear understanding of what gives you confidence in the arena. Be prepared, be organized and do your homework.
• Say “I can” and not “I can’t.” Use that positive energy to your advantage.
• Set realistic goals that are challenging yet achievable so you are not easily discouraged. Write down your goals and share them with people around you.
• Visualize your goals so you have a clear understanding and let your friends know your goals. At each competition prior to entering the arena, visualize in your mind exactly how you wish to perform.
• Use mistakes for growth. I once read a quote that said, “Don’t get caught up in winning or losing because neither lasts very long.” Do not beat yourself up over your mistakes; each mistake is a chance to learn. Enjoy the journey
